I'm going to give it my best shot. These are jokes that i've heard over the years....

"One Bad Little Dude"

There was this little dude sitting in a Texas restaurant, eating, just minding his own business, when all of a sudden this Great Big Curly Headed Brute comes in and --WHACK!!-- knocks the little dude clean out of his chair, and onto the floor. The wild looking Brute says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little dude thinks "GEEZ MAN," but he gets back up off the floor, sits back in his chair, and starts eating again, when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the Brute knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So finally the little dude has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little dude is gone for about an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the Big Curly Headed Brute and --Bong!!!"--bangs the Big Guy out of his chair, knocking him out cold as a cucumber!!! The little dude looks at the Waiter and says, "When he comes to, you tell him that was a crowbar from Sears." LOL!!


"Geez, What's That Smell?"

This is a true story that mom told me the other day. There was this married man who found a cute young chick and fell in love with her. He finally got up the nerve to tell his wife about his new found love, and he also told his wife to pack her bags. Well the man's wife was hysterical about the whole matter. Before she packed her bags she decided to take a short trip to the neariest food market. She purchased a huge bag of shrimp, then headed back home to begin her packing. While she was packing her bags she grabbed every curtain rod in the house, then she popped the ends off the rods, and then the lady filled each curtain rod with the shrimp she purchased earlier. After filling the curtain rods with shrimp the man's wife then placed them all back, neatly in the windows. Then she grabbed her bags and left, slamming the sh#t out of the door behind her. Well, a week went by and suddenly the man and his new found love began smelling a horrible odor all through the house. The man pulled the carpet up and replaced it, but to no avail. The horrible smell was still there, even stronger than before. Then the man bought a new living room suit and painted the entire interior of his house. After completing the paint job the man and his new found love retired to the bedroom to relax, but almost choked to death from the horrible stink which filled their bedroom. Finally the man had all he could take. He contacted a Real Estate agent and bought a new house on the other side of town. Then he hired a couple of movers to load everything and transport it all to their beautiful new love nest. Well the movers loaded the furniture, packed all the appliances, and they even grabbed the curtains, "INCLUDING THE CURTAIN RODS," and then moved them all to the man's new home on the other side of town....


I just thought this joke up...It's brand new and never has been told...Here Goes!

"The Hurricane Dog"



There was this newsman stationed in Louisiana who was covering Hurricane Katrina. He was standing in the rain getting ready to go on the air when suddenly an old man walked up holding a dog in his arms. The old man said, "Excuse me, young feller. Would you like to buy a dog?"
"I don't need a dog," said the newsman. "I've already got a poodle at home and I can hardly find the time to feed him."
"But this isn't an ordinary dog," the old man said. "This dog can predict the future."
The newsman then started to laugh, "That's silly," he then replied. "Dogs can't predict the future."
Then the old man sat the dog down on the ground, and said, "How many feet of snow will New York get this winter, boy?" The dog looked up at the old man, wagged his tail, and then barked 3 times." That means New York will get three feet of snow," said the old man with a smile...."How many tornadoes will hit Tennessee next month, boy?" the old man asked. "The dog wagged his tail once again and then barked 9 times."
"Did you hear that, young feller?" said the old man. "There's going to be 9 tornadoes hit Tennessee next month."
The newsman then scratched his rain soaked head, and then thought, "If I had that dog, I'd be the best news anchor in America. I might even land a job at CNN."
"How much do you want for that dog," the newsman then asked.
"I'll take 500 dollars for him," the old man replied with a grin.
The newsman then reached into his pocket, pulled out his wallet, and gave the old man 500 dollars.
A few weeks later the newsman was back in Louisiana to cover even another Hurricane. Standing in the wind and rain the newsman was getting ready to go on the air when suddenly he saw the old man who sold him the dog floating by in a boat. "Hey, you there! Old Man! Come here!" yelled the newsman.
"Well, hello there, young feller!" said the old man. "How do you like that dog I sold you?"
"He's dead!" the newsman replied. "I want my money back, because you sold me a rabid dog !"
"What happened, young feller? That wasn't a rabid dog. He was the smartest dog in Louisiana," said the old man.
I took him back to the news studio where I work ," said the newsman. "Then I asked the dog , just before I went on the air, "Will there be very many more Hurricanes this year, boy ?" Then the dog ran outside, grabbed a stick from the ground, and brought it back into the studio. Then he began to beat everyone on the legs with the stick. He went completely out of his head! One news anchor fell from her chair and broke her left arm. Then security rushed into the studio and shot the dog , killing him right where he stood. Now I want my money back, old man, because you sold me a rabid dog," the newsman said.
"He wasn't a rabid dog," replied the old man with a tear in his eye. "He was just trying to tell you that there's going to be more Hurricanes this year than you can shake a stick at." He! He! He!........

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Old-elvis-fan,

I had another but I better not tell it here.

Oh yea! Almost forgot...Here's a joke I thought up about one year ago. I was watching Dillinger on Tv. Here's the joke...It's somewhat corny...

Did you know that Melvin Purvis tried taking Dillinger once before at the Biograph theater? The first time Purvis told his men, quote, "Alright, look sharp! Dillinger will be in the theater tonight. He'll be with somebody, wearing a red dress." end quote.. Well, the next day Purvis got a call from one of his men. "We must have stood around there all night, " the agent said, "but we didn't see a man wearing a red dress anywhere."

LOL!

Here's one! It's called The Ugly Hunter...I might mess up on this one, but here goes!

Title: "The Ugly Hunter"

There was this old man walking through a field when he suddenly saw a hunter with a sack full of birds. He then noticed, the hunter had no gun. "How did you get that sack full of birds?" the old man asked. "Well, said the hunter, "I just look up into the sky and grin when one flies over and down he comes!"
"I don't understand, said the old man. What makes them fall down?"
"Well, said the hunter, it's a gift I have. When a bird flies over, I look up, I put this ugly grin on my face and down they come!"

"Do you know anyone else who has this gift?" the old man asked..
"My wife! said the hunter. My wife can really ugly grin them down!"
"Do you ever bring her hunting with you?" the old man then asked.
"Heck No! the hunter then replied. She tears them up too bad!"

LOL!! He! He! He!