Dido...i am listening to dido right now......soothing music and her lyrics are at times deep.
So my teeth hurt, my neck hurts....I had a double shot of jack tonight....and I am super tired.
I do not want to go to bed...because this is the start of a 3 day weekend.
MY mind is restless..... i have the tragic soul of a writer. And I wonder sometimes the thoughts of what my grandmother may of had and sometimes my mother.
Why do I feel so quick to end it all sometimes?
And i wonder if the women in my family felt the same way at times when things got tough?
Why do i think its a female thing right now? I dont know
As i yawn... i dont know..........I feel i am in this dark hole right now because it was my moms birthday like a week ago and her anni. of her death is on sunday.
I think about that night a lot... that night she went away and never came back.......
I would like to believe that the 2 ppl in the room with her that night killed her.
why do i have thoughts of what ppl would go through if I were gone.
I mean we never want to be forgotten...I wont forget my mother but somethings i cant forgive and I need to, i am sure there are somethings about her that I will not remember as time goes by.... one thing i dont want to loose is her laugh.
I always say things will pass..they do but they come back!!!!!!! do they ever go away or do they just linger?????
why do i let simple things send me over the edge?
And why cant i tell some of my closet friends hey...I need to talk and I need to have someone to listen to.......But certain times just are not the right times.
I sit here trying to figure out my moms last night, my bills, the thoughts of my crush that wont go away, my teeth, working for ****y insurance, wanting to take stress leave and knowing i cant afford it....... cause the bills will still be there, my thoughts will haunt me and I will go insane. I would take that time to write...Yes I would........ what i want most is to have a beautiful view while writing and working under deadlines. Sometimes my writing keeps me going.... knowing that I may impact a pserson or 2 or many that they might impact me as well..... how can i seem so happy and giddy and at the same time so sad and aloaf....depression, not sure?????
Some lady once came to my door and asked what helps me get through the rough times...basically she wanted to end her life and she had kids.... poor thing she was not doing good at all..... (at the time i was working on a scrap book for lisa marie presley, i had my tiny kitten and I was gettin ready to leave for oregon or indiana for a lisa marie concert) I told her what helps me is to scrap book, think of others, listen to music, listen to lisa marie's music and would someone take a sick day for me as i would do that for them. So i also told her live for the kids and when you get to that point to be open about it right away. I guess that is what i am doing....being open right away, writing about it and listening to good music. I need to scrap book 2morrow and i want to sleep tomorrow for sure.......... there is so much responsibility and it is easy to see why people want to walk away from it all....... sometimes those ppl are called names like coward and what not....... steady as I go.............i end now cuz i am tired, i am tired of hearing the same dido songs. Crawling into bed, with the air conditioning on, shutting the cats out and putting on some "bedtime for me" music sounds good right now....... I have resorted to being vulnerable thats the word i was searching for!.......good night!

good for you for sharing! you have my reply & my support.

Hang in there Capri....Sorry your going thru such a hard time Thats some seriously hard stuff to deal with..I am here if ya need to chat.

thank you soooooo much you guys, you mean alot to me!!!!!! for real

Awww Capri hang in there. We all have those times where we feel like that. My best friends mom was diagnosed with cancer a few days after we got back fom Vegaswith 3 months to live. I have known her for 22 years. Anyways my friend read a book and said how great it made her feel. I went and got it that day and read it that day. It's only about 150 pages or so. It's called Embraced By the Light. Read it. It will make you feel better about life and where your mom is.

thank you