This is a short Star Trek Story I wrote. It gets somewhat funnier as you read on. It has nothing to do with music but I thought i'd post it anyhow.....

Title: " A Fist Full Of Criptonites"

Captain's log, stardate 4206.4....We were exploring a very strange and mysterious planet when suddenly our science officer Spock noticed a strange green moldy substance growing on his left arm.

"Captain!" said Spock, "I seem to have discovered a new lifeform and it's growing on my arm."
"My god, Spock!" said Kirk, "You think your arm is bad, you should see your left ear! It looks like a lump of seaweed hanging on your head. Report to sickbay at once!"
Suddenly Spock enters the Sickbay and finds doctor McCoy waiting for him. "What's the problem, Spock?" said McCoy, "and why are you wearing that funny moss hat on your head?"

"Doctor, I think i've discovered a new lifeform. I first noticed this strange mold growing on my left arm and now it's on my head as well," said Spock.
"This don't look good," said McCoy. "If we don't find a cure for this strange affliction fairly soon, you'll be a head of lettuce within a week and not much smarter either."
As McCoy continues his ongoing analysis of Spock's condition the intercom suddenly breaks the silence of Sickbay..."Well, Bones, what's the story on Spock?" Kirk asked.

"He's got an afliction very similar to poison ivy, Jim. I put some salve on his left ear and I'm confining him to his quarters. He should be better in a few days," said McCoy.
Meanwhile on the planet below the landing party continue their exploration of the strange and mysterious lumps of green mold hanging in a newly discovered cave.
"Captain, i'm taking a sample back to the ship," said Christine. If my calculations are correct then we may have a much bigger problem than we first thought."

Captain Kirk stands silently near the entrance of the strange cave as the landing party continue their vigerious exploration of the strange green mold hanging inside. "Chirp, Chirp, Chirp," --- "Kirk here! What's the problem?" he said........"Scotty here, captain. I think you should beam up, sir. Our engines are offline and the life support systems have begun to fluctuate. It's this gleen moldy goo, sir. It's everywhere!... I think it came aboard when Spock beamed up."

"On my way!" said Kirk, "Transporter room, beam my up."
Kirk steps into the engine room and finds his ship's engineer working frantically turning knobs and flipping a variety of switches. "Captain." Scotty said. "I've got our life support systems back online, but our engines are completely cold. It's this gleen mold!! It's eating what power we have left and I can't stop it. We'll burn up in the planet's atmosphere within 24 hours, unless power can be restored."

Sitting behind his desk in the ship's sickbay, DR McCoy studies the small sample of green mold taken from the mysterious cave below."This simply can't be!" he said. "It's spreading at an alarming rate. The molecular structure has doubled, just in the last five minutes."

Suddenly the silence of sickbay is broken when the two entrance doors whisk open revealing the ship's science officer Spock standing on the other side. His face completely covered with the strange green pesky mold."Doctor," said Spock, "the mold seems to be getting worse and the constant itching is almost unbearable."
"Spock, what are you doing back here?" growled McCoy. "I thought I told you to stay in your quarters."

"It would seem your earlier diagnoses of this strange affliction was incorrect, doctor. At present, my quarters has become uninhabitable due to an excessive amount of this irritating green mold, which at present, seems to be hanging everywhere."

"Spock," growled McCoy, "i'm a doctor, not a dam* bush pruner.... If you've got a problem with this green goo hanging in your quarters, then get a weedwacker! I don't have time to argue with you..... Can't you see i'm busy?!"
"According to my calculations the entire ship will be consumed by this green substance in only 10 hours. Perhaps we should explore other avenues, doctor.... For example, why has this strange life form only infected me and nobody else?" said Spock.
Kirk suddenly enters the Sickbay and finds his science officer Spock in a rather heated discussion with DR McCoy. "Gentleman, i'm hoping you two have something of interest for me, instead of your constant bickering. Our engines are offline, the life support systems are also beginning to fail and the clock is ticking."

"Well, Jim," said McCoy, "i've ran several test on this strange substance but still, I have no answers at present. Maybe we should examine Spock here and find out why this green substance has taken an interest in somebody as boring and dull as him."

"Doctor, is your job completely devoted to spreading ignorance?" Spock then asked."
With great reluctance, Spock slowly crawls onto McCoy's examination table.

"According to my medical scanner, he's healthy as a horse, Jim.
Blood pressure... body temperature... all normal. Although, there is something a bit odd going on with his brain waves. They're running wild. Something similar to a mind meld," said McCoy.

"Spock, are you sensing anything strange?" Kirk asked.

"Only a small itching sensation from the life form," said Spock. "I also seem to have a strange craving for Beans and Burban... And I think i've got a slight touch of gas too, Jim.... Other than that, I feel fine."

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"Jim, maybe the life form is trying to communicate and the signal is just too weak for Spock's Vulcan brain to receive the message," said McCoy.
"You may have something there, Bones." said Kirk. "Is it possible to amplify those waves to a level where Spock can understand them?"

"That's simple, Jim," McCoy said. All we need to do is find a large lump of this green moldy goo and then maybe Spock can meld with it. According to Spock, his quarters is filled with the stuff."

After a short ride in the ship's turbo lift, Kirk, Spock and DR McCoy make their way to an upper deck where they slowly enter Spock's quarters.

With extreme caution DR McCoy carefully examines the room until he finds a very large glob of goo hanging from the cealing..."Well, Jim! This looks like an excellent place to start our little melding session..... Spock! Step over here and stick your Vulcan hand in that large lump of goo there," he said.



Reaching up over his head Spock slowly slips his hand into the hanging glob of green moldy goo..."My mind.... to your mind..... Your mind.... to my mind"

Suddenly Spock's eyes begin to stare as if he were looking into infinity...."Greetings! We are the Criptonites...We are very grateful that you have given us this wonderful new home called, En-ter-prise. We have been marooned on the planet below for many years now, with barely enough food to keep us alive. We are indebted to you for your wonderful and gracious hospitality."

"Jim, if this weren't so serious, i'd be laughing," McCoy said...."Listen here! You sorry lump of worthless goo.! If you don't vacate these premises immediately then i'm going to disinfect this entire deck!"

"Please, Bones," said Kirk, "We must find out everything we can about our new visitors. Remember, that's our job...To seek out new life forms, no matter how gross or slimy they may be."

"We like you, Kirk, but the one called McCoy seems to be a hostile creature. There is no battle of wits between him and us....We wouldn't pick on an unarmed man," replied the angry Criptonites.
"It's.... a great honor to meet you," said Kirk, "But we-- haven't invited you and your presents aboard this ship is harmful to us. Your... enormous hunger for energy is draining our life support systems. If it's energy that you require, then i'm sure we can work something out."

"You are extremely generous, captain Kirk," replied the Criptonites, "but we are very content living right here. We are sorry that our presents is harmful to you. Perhaps you can move your crew to the cave below. And don't forget to take the hostile creature called McCoy with you."

"Well how do you like that, Jim?!" said McCoy. "Try to be nice and you'll get evicted every time. I say we blast them before these green moldy low lives slime the whole dam* ship!"
Sitting silently at the helm Sulu stares into the huge viewer ahead when suddenly the ship begins shaking very violently....

Three decks below a very shaken James T Kirk quickly makes his way to a near by intercom in Spock's quarters...

"Sulu, what's going on up there?!"Kirk asked. "Captain, we're being pulled toward the planet below. I can compensate, but our orbit is quickly decaying, sir." Sulu then replied.

"Sulu, I want you to give her all the power you can muster to maintain this orbit," said Kirk.
"Awe, sir!" said Sulu, as he slowly brings the ship's power up another 10 percent.

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"Sitting on the floor as if in a daze Spock slowly gets back on his feet. "Are you alright, Spock?" asked DR McCoy.

"I am fine doctor, but our communication with the Criptonites has been broken," Spock said as he then began to wipe the green moldy goo from his right hand.

"Well gentleman, I'm open to suggestions," said Kirk.

"Captain," said Spock. "The Criptonites are a very primitive species. They simply do not understand their current situation. They consider the Enterprise a paradise and forcing them back into a life of poverty could be very difficult."

"Jim," said McCoy. "This mold is like a deadly virus and it's invaded our ship. If we don't kill it now, we may not get another chance."

"Doctor, the Criptonites are simply trying to survive. If we look at this from a logical prospective, our lives are no better than the Criptonites. We are all members of the same club called life," said Spock.

"I don't know about you, Jim," said McCoy, "but I put more value on my life than I do this worthless pile of moldy goo here!"
"Doctor...Killing the Criptonites is illogical... If Starfleet ever declares a war on stupidity, it's a very high probability that you might get Nuked," Spock then said.

"All right Spock!" yelled McCoy. "You asked for it and now your going to get it!...I'll bet you were napping in the nut pile the day god was cracking nuts! If your IQ was two points higher, you'd be a ball ping hammer! About the only thing your Vulcan head is good for is to keep the rain out of your neck! I'll bet your father threw rocks at the stork the day you was born!"

"Please, gentlemen," said Kirk. "Lets try and keep this on an adult level."

"Your right, Jim," growled DR McCoy. "I'm sorry, Spock."

"That you are, doctor," Spock replied. " For two cents i'd give you a piece of my mind, and all of yours."
"Spock, look at your arm. The mold!.....It's gone!" said Kirk.

"Fascinating!" said Spock. "It appears that the Criptonites are no longer interested in me. They were obviously searching for a means in which to communicate. Being a Vulcan and far superior to any human, I was their only choice."

"Can you believe him, Jim? I think he forgot to pay his brain bill last month. If I ever do meet a Vulcan who doesn't think he's superior to any other life form then I think i'd probably do cart wheels in a Romulan mine field."

"Please don't take this as an insult doctor, but if your IQ was two points higher we would have to water you twice a week?" said Spock.

"Gentlemen, we must find a way to force these Criptonites off my ship," said Kirk. "We are quickly running out of time and your constant insults of one an other isn't helping our situation any at all."

"You are correct, captain," said Spock. "The good doctor here is certainly no idiot. He just plays one in this life," he then said.
As Spock and Dr McCoy happily continue their vicious insults of one another suddenly they're silenced by a loud voice coming from a nearby intercom.
"Captain, are you there?!"
"Kirk here! What's going on, Scotty?"
"Captain, i've restored 25 percent of the ship's power. This gleen moldy goo was beginning to clog up one of our anti matter cylinders, but I managed to wash it away with a half gallon of my finest Scotch whiskey. Now i'm left with only an empty gallon jug."

"I don't understand, Scotty," Kirk said. "What happened to the other half?"

"The other half?! Oh, I drank it, sir!" replied the half drunk engineer.

"That's all we need, Jim!" said McCoy. "A bunch of inebriated Criptonites hanging out in our engine room!"
"Scotty, I want you to report to the briefing room in five minutes," said Kirk. "Bones, I want you and Spock there too. And bring me everything you have on these Criptonites."

As he slowly staggers into the briefing room, Scotty finds Kirk, McCoy and Spock already seated. "I hope you gentlemen haven't started without me," said the half drunk engineer.

"Come on in, Mr Scott," said Kirk. "Even though your fifteen minutes late, i'm sure you have something about the Criptonites that will interest the rest of us?"

"I'm sorry i'm late captain, but those pesky little Criptonite buggers broke into my liquor cabinet. I lost five bottles of my finest Jim Beam whiskey from the late 20th century, and the Billy Carter beer that I had is now just a fond memory," said Scotty as he then wobbled over to his chair.

"I'm sorry about the loss of your Billy Carter beer, Mr Scott," said captain Kirk. I know you was very fond of it, but we have much more important things at hand right now," he then said.

"Captain," said Spock. "Perhaps Mr Scott may be on to something here. Maybe we could use the liquor to lure the Criptonites into the transporter room. Then we can beam them back to the empty cave below."

"You mean you want to use my finest scotch whiskey as bait for those gleen pesky little thieves?!" growled Scotty... "Not on your life, Spock!"

Back in his quarters and feeling very low, Scotty works frantically to gather his many different types of alcohol in hopes of luring the hungry Criptonites into a waiting transporter room. Suddenly he blows the dust from a very old and precious bottle of Scotch Whiskey. "I can't do it," he said. I just can't part with my finest bottle... Scotch Whiskey is the nectar of the gods." Scotty then began to cry as he carefully cradled the bottle in his arms.

Suddenly the door to Scotty's quarters whisks open and captain Kirk enters the room in total disbelief. "I never knew you had so much liquor onboard the Enterprise, Mr. Scott. Where did you get all this?"

"Oh, a little here, and a little there, captain," Scotty replied. "Say, captain! Perhaps we could have a small drink to ring in the New Year?"

"But the New Year on earth is nine months away, Mr. Scott," Kirk said.

"But on planet Vulcan the New Year is today, captain," said Scotty as he happily fills two small shot glasses all the way to the top with his precious Scotch Whiskey. Holding his glass up, Scotty smiles as he then makes a toast. "Here's to all the gleen ladies you never had, captain!"

Raising his glass to meet Scotty's, Kirk then drinks it all down. "This stuff is the ooth in smooth, Mr. Scott... Pour me another," Kirk said, as he slowly pulls up a chair.

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Waiting in the transporter room Spock becomes somewhat concerned, because captain Kirk was only going to be a minute and two hours had already passed.

"Where could those two be?" said Mccoy, as he slowly begins pacing across the floor of the transporter room. "Captain Kirk is never late."

"Humans are always late doctor," said Spock. "I quit wearing a watch the day I joined Starfleet."

"A watch? I didn't know you had a watch, Spock. I always thought Vulcans could tell another day was dawning only after a rooster was crowing,"said McCoy with a grin.

"It was only a toy watch that I found in a box of Vulcan Jacker Smacks when I was a child," said Spock.

Suddenly a loud singing breaks the silence of the transporter room as Kirk and Scotty stagger through the entrance door. "WELL, SHE'S GOT BUCK TEETH IN HER MOUTH, ONE POINTS NORTH AND THE OTHER POINTS SOUTH, GONNA TIE YIE YIPPY YIPPY YEA YIPPY YEA, GONNA TIE YIE YIPPY YIPPY YEA....... Hello Spock! I knew we were suppose to meet you here-----but damit, I done forgot why," said Kirk.

"Captain, we were going to try and lure the Criptonites into the transporter using the alcohol as bait, but from the looks of your soiled uniform, your inability to stand up straight, the strange way you and Scotty are holding one another, and a terrible breath that could sink a thousand ships, it would appear that you have consumed it all," said Spock.

"Damit, Jim! You mean you two had a party and you didn't invite me?! I could drink both of you under the table!" said Bones. "Why, back home they always called me Dixie cup McCoy!"

After thirty minutes of walking Kirk and Scotty around the ship, McCoy and Spock then serve their two inebriated friends several steaming hot cups of coffee. "What the hell happened?!" said Kirk. "I feel like somebody wacked me on the head with a crowbar."

"Your lucky to be alive, captain," said Spock. "After leaving the transporter room you two were running naked through the ship's galley. McCoy and I tried to catch you, but you then ran down the corridor where the ship's sewage containers are kept. Thinking it was a large swimming pool you then jumped in head first. It was a miracle that your neck wasn't broke, Jim. Those sewage tanks are only two feet deep."

"We thought you were dead, Jim," said McCoy. "It was all we could do just to haul you two out of those tanks. And the smell was just terrible. I almost lost my dam* lunch."

"I haven't had such a good time since Sulu and I tied one on in the ship's laundry room," said Scotty.
Holding an icepack to his aching head James T Kirk then begins to remember something very similer which happened only a year earlier. "Did I ever tell you gentlemen about the time I amost drowned in Texas?"

"I don't recall such a story, Jim", said McCoy. "What happened in Texas?"

"It happened about a year ago when I was on shore leave," said Kirk. "I was sitting in a restaurant when this young lady brought me a beer. It was the biggest glass of beer I ever saw. I said, "Excuse me, Miss, but is that huge glass of beer for me?" "Sure!" the young lady replied. " Everything is big here in Texas."

I then ordered a small steak....Ten minutes later the young lady brought me the biggest steak I ever did see. It was hanging off the platter. I said, "Excuse me, but I just wanted a small steak, not the whole cow."

"Everything is big here in Texas," she then replied.....Well now gentlemen, after drinking that very large glass of beer I then had to relieve my bladder. I asked the young lady where the restroom was. She said, "It's just down that hallway there.. The last door on the left."

Feeling light headed from all the beer I drank, I then staggered down the hallway and walked through the last door on the RIGHT. It was the entrance door to the swimming pool .... That's when I fell in, HEAD FIRST... Knowing everything was very big in Texas, I was completely horrified. Everytime I came up for a quick breath of air, I yelled, "Don't Flush It !.....Don't Flush It !! "

"Was that you?" said McCoy. "I thought a drunk guy was just trying to impress the ladies with a beautiful swan dive."
"I lost a patient in Texas last year, " McCoy then said... "Poor fellow had these terribe headaches which was making his life miserable, so I sedated him and installed a relief valve in the back of his head. Everytime he got a headache he'd just reach back and pull the chain and flush the pressure away from the brain. Then one day he was riding his bike and the chain got tangled in the front wheel. Poor soul flushed himself todeath before he reached the bottom of Cherry Hill."
"To put a valve in a man's head, is simply not logical," said Spock, as he then arched his left eyebrow.

"I was almost killed by a very large grizzly bear on my last shore leave," said Scotty. "I was camping with the family in Yellowstone park. After roasting several hot dogs with the children, I then wondered off to be alone with my jug of wild turkey. That's when it all happened...I was making my way through a thick grove of cottonwood trees when this horrible grizzly suddenly jumped right in front of me. Standing on his hind legs, this bear completely towered over me... I reached for my phaser, but then realized, I forgot to bring it along. Knowing there was no way to escape, I then grabbed a very large stick and proceeded to poke at the bear, but this just irritated him even more. After several minutes I finally had enough, so I took one last shot of wild turkey, then I reached all the way down the bear's throat, grabbed his tail at the other end, and yanked him inside out."

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"Perhaps we should get back to solving our little problem with the Criptonites," said Spock.

"Isn't there any stories that you would like to share with the rest of us, Spock?" asked McCoy.

"There is one story," Spock replied, "But the human side of me is almost too embarrassed to share it with all of you."
"Oh come on, Spock!" said McCoy. "We're dying to know."

"Ok, doctor, but don't say I didn't warn you," said Spock, as he then slowly pulled up a chair.
"It all happened about a year ago on planet Argonia. I was sitting in a bar when this interesting gentleman suddenly walked in holding a rat. The man reached into his pocket and pulled out a very small piano and set it on the table. Then he put the rat down and slowly backed away. The rat then cracked his knuckles, sat down at the piano and began playing.....It was fascinating to say the least. Then the man reached into his pocket and pulled out a frog. He placed the frog on a barstool, and once again, the rat cracked his knuckles and proceeded to play, only this time the frog was singing...It was the most beautiful song I ever heard. I thought to myself, "I've got to have that frog.... He's incredible!"
I then offered the gentleman -a years pay -for the singing frog...
"Sure!" the man said, as he then reached down and scooped the frog from the barstool and gave him to me. I must have been there all night long trying to get that frog to sing for me, but he just sat there with a blank look on his face. Then as the gentleman was leaving the bartender said, "Hey mack! How could you sell your singing frog to that crazy Vulcan? You could have been rich beyond your wildest dreams." The gentleman then smiled, and said, "No problem, friend!! The rat is a ventriloquist! I can get another stupid frog anywhere!"

"I once had a patient who came into sickbay with a frog on his head," said McCoy... I said, "Good god man! Where did you find that ugly discusting thing?!" The frog then smiled, and said, "I don't know Doc....It all started with a small wart on my as*."

"By the way, Mr. Spock....What did you do with that singing frog?" asked Kirk.

"Well, Captain.... I took the frog to a pawn shop on planet Kling....I was hoping to sell him at a reasonable price....There was this terrible mannered Klingon who was sitting behind the counter. He looked up at me and then yelled, "Where do you think your going with that nasty thing?! You can't bring that pile of Gorn crapp in here!!"

"I then tried to explain to the Klingon," said Spock, "this isn't a pile of Gorn crapp. It's a frog."
"I was talking to the frog !" the Klingon then replied.

Suddenly the crew of the Enterprise begin to notice a strange cracking noise coming from the ship's intercom......Captain Kirk ! Are you there? Could you earthlings please hold down the noise?!" said the angry Criptonites. "Trying to grab a moment of sleep is almost imposible on this ship."

"My god, Jim!" yelled McCoy. "Those pesky little Criptonites thives have found a way into our computer system!"
"Wait a minute....This could be it," said Kirk. "All we need to do now is make alot of noise and we'll drive them off my ship."
"You know something? It sounds so crazy it just might work, Jim," Bones replied.

Making their way to the bridge, Kirk, Scotty, Spock and Dr. McCoy each grab a hymn book from their quarters....."Ok, gentlemen! Lets start off with, [How Great thou Art] and then we'll move on to [Closer My God To Thee] said Kirk, as he then gave his throat a quick squirt of lemon juice to help tune his vocal cords to profection.....

As the four men begin their singing they suddenly notice an hour had already passed....."I've got to stop, Jim," said McCoy. "My dam* throat is killing me."

"Ok," said Kirk. "Lets check on our Criptonite friends and see if they've all gone."

Now a very still silence fills the room when suddenly the intercom begins to crack once more...."That was an outstanding concert, captain Kirk," said the Criptonites. "Do you gentlemen know anything by the Soggy Bottom Boys?"

"Dam* it, Jim ! I've had enough of this!!!" said Bones. "I say we activate the self destruct button before these slimy little low lives have a chance to infect the entire galaxy!"
"Please, Doctor," said Spock. "You must learn to control your emotions."

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With his nerves on edge McCoy then begins pacing back and forth when suddenly a loud bang is heard, as the Enterprise then goes completely dark on all decks. "What the hell happened, Jim?!" said McCoy. "I can't see a dam* thing!"

"The lights have gone out," Kirk replied.
"Those Criptonite basturds must have gotten into the power grid," said Scotty. "I'll go check it out."

"I don't like the dark, Jim," said McCoy. "I once had a bad moment in the dark that i'll never forget."

"What happened, Bones?" said Kirk. "Did something grab you?"

"No, it was much worse than that, Jim. It happened about a year ago when Scotty was working on the ship's power grid. I was just on my way to the restroom and the whole dam* ship went dark....Well I finally managed to feel my way into the restroom....I found the toilet, sat down and got my business done, then I proceeded to flush the toilet and something pinched my asss...I must have jumped three feet into the air...Then I tried flushing it once more, and again, something pinched the hell out of my asss... Then just about that time the lights came back on, and that's when I noticed, it wasn't the toilet after all....I was sitting on a dam* mop bucket."
"I remember that day," said Kirk..."I went to see the ship's barber...He was snipping on my hair when all the sudden there was total darkness. The lights were out for several minutes and when they came back on I looked like Yul Brenner.... I even had blood running down my neck.....Turns out the barber snipped off a piece of my left ear."...

As Kirk, Spock and Dr. McCoy continue their conversation, suddenly the darkness is replaced by a very bright light...."Way to go, Mr. Scott," mumbled Kirk, "I knew he'd come through."
"Don't he always, Jim?" Bones replied.

"Making his way to a nearby intercom Kirk then began to thank his wonderful engineer for a job well done. "Scotty! Well done! Your reputation as a miracle worker is safe with me."

"Captain," said Scotty. "The Criptonites warn't responsible for our sudden power failure. It was a very large house cat, sir...Looks like the poor critter somehow got into the main power box...One thing's for sure, he must have been tittering on his ninth life because he's deader than a grasshopper on a hot griddle. Wait a minute, captain...I just found his collar....It says, Lucky!"

"Dam* it, Jim!!, growled McCoy. "I got that cat from one of my whiplash patients!!"

"Sorry Bones,"said Kirk. "I know it hurts to loose a pet."

"Doctor, have you ever considered the advantages of owning a singing frog?" said Spock...

"Shut up, Spock!" yelled McCoy. "Or i'll have you eaton that frog!"
"Now your beginning to sound like my second wife, doctor," said Spock...

"Second wife?" replied Kirk. "Spock, I didn't know you were married again."

"Unfortunately, I was married again, Captain. I lost her in a terrible bet," Spock replied.

"Sounds logical to me, Jim," said Bones. "He probably loved the frog more than her."

"A bet?" There must have been some pretty high stakes for you to bet your wife, Mr. Spock," said Kirk..

"Very high, captain," said Spock. "I was sitting in a bar with my beautiful Vulcan wife when suddenly the infamous Harry Mudd bet me 10 thousand pounds of gold that he could bite his right eye..I thought to myself, "That's not logical...One simply cannot bite one's own eye." So I bet him my entire life savings.

"Then Mr. Mudd reached up, took out his right glass eyeball and bit it.." Knowing I was completely broke Harry Mudd then gave me a second chance to win all my gold back..."Tell you what i'll do," said Mudd. "I'll bet you I can bite my left eye."

"I'm sorry, Mr. Mudd," I then replied, "but I have no more gold to bet."

"How about that beautiful Vulcan woman?" he then asked..."Will you wager the woman for the gold?"

"You've got a bet, Mr. Mudd," I replied. "There's no way he can possibly bite his left eye," I then told my beautiful wife.

Then Harry Mudd slowly reached into his mouth, removed his false teeth and bit his left eye....I've been a bachelor ever since," said Spock..

"It serves you right too, Spock," McCoy then replied. "Anyone should know not to do business with Harry Mudd....He's a crook! Not only that, he's a complete moron....." I saw Harry Mudd tackle a poor defenseless nun who was taking up collections to help feed starving Klingons....Mudd must have been drinking because he slapped the poor nun to the ground and then he kicked her in the face...Then as I was helping the poor nun back to her feet, Mudd said, "Is that all you've got Batman?!!! I thought you were tougher than that!!"

"Mudd's a real charactor alright," said Kirk. "I once seen him chasing a fire truck....He must have ran five blocks until he finally dropped to his knees....Then Mr. Mudd yelled, "That's alright with me, you stupid aaholes!!! Keep your dam* peanuts !! I didn't want none anyhow!!!"

"I can rememember when Harry Mudd once caught a terrible disease from a Romulan prostitute," said McCoy.... He walked into sickbay crying like a hippy loosing his hair....I said, "What the hell is wrong with you, Harry?! "I've got something really bad down below,"cried Harry. "Tell me doctor... Is this terrible disease going to require surgery?....What I really want to know is, are you going to cut it off and throw it in a scrap bucket?" he then cried.

After a quick examination, I then replied, "No, Harry....I don't think this will require surgery at all....Go back home, crawl into bed, drink plenty of liquids, and it should fall off on it's own in about a week."

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"Facinating stories about Harry Mudd, gentlemen," Spock said, "but don't you think we should deal with the Criptonites before it's too late?" Kirk gives Spock a quick nod, "Right you are, Mr. Spock," he said. "The Criptonites aren't aware of our powerful weapons..Maybe if we give them a quick jolt from our phasers they'll then decide to leave."

"Sulu, how are things going here on the bridge?" Kirk asked, as he then slowly lowers himself down onto his softly, cushioned, imitation leather, captain's seat.

"Things aren't going very well here, captain," Sulu replied... The Criptonites have had control of the helm for the last two hours. We've already circled three dead moons, started heading for the Great Barrier, but then changed course, and now we're heading back to the Criptonite's home planet. I've been sitting here wondering where they'll take us next."

"Captain," Spock said, "a phaser strike on the Criptonites could be disastrous. They have complete control of the ship's computer, which means they also control the environmental settings. If we make the Criptonites angry, there's no telling what they might do."

"Wait a minute, Spock," Kirk then said. "Remember Poker? What about our old Corbomite trick? Do you think the Criptonites would fall for it?"
"It's certainly worth a try, captain. But I wouldn't want to bet on it," Spock said.

"I wouldn't want you betting on it either," McCoy muttered. "Your luck stinks."

"Uhura," Kirk said. "Patch me into the ship's computer system."
Uhura gently tweaks a small set of black knods protruding from her console. "You should have voice communication with the computer now, captain," she said.

"This is captain Kirk," he said. "Why have you taken control of my ship?"

"Hello there, captain," said the Criptonites. "Are you going to sing us another song?"

"No," Kirk said. "Im only here to warn you. The Enterprise is not only equipped with a self destruck button, which you have deactivated at present, we also have another method to destroy intruders such as yourselves. It's called, 'Corbomite.' We don't really value our lives the way you Criptonites do, and if you do not return complete and full control of my ship, then i'll be forced to activate the secret Corbomite destruct button, which will not only destroy this ship, and all lifeforms onboard, it will also destroy your home planet."

"I'm sorry to hear that, captain Kirk," the Criptonites then replied. "We were going to give the ship back to you, and return to our world, but due to your sudden hostile feelings toward us, i'm afraid we must reconsider our poor decision."

"Way to go, Jim," McCoy growled. "You and your stupid Corbomite maneuver may have just cooked our brains."

Looking white as a ghost Kirk then eased back down into his chair. "I don't understand," he then said. "It always worked before. Why wouldn't it work this time?"

"I told you we should have killed those pesky Criptonites when we had a chance, Jim," McCoy said. "Now they've infected our computer and we could all be weaving gowns for Saint Peter at any moment."

"Calm yourself, doctor," Kirk then replied. "I haven't seen anything yet that this crew couldn't get out of when we all put our heads together."

"Kirk then reaches down and presses the small intercom button located on the right armrest of his captain's seat. "Scotty," he said, "what's the status of the engine room?"

"I've managed to restore most of the ship's power," Scotty replied. "But it wasn't easy, captain. I felt like a three legged cat trying to bury turds on a frozen pond, and I still haven't balanced the engines yet."

"Great work, Mr. Scott," Kirk said.

Suddenly a terrible smell begins to fill the bridge, "What's that smell?" Sulu said, as he then covered his nose with his left hand.

"Gas!!" Kirk then replied. "They've flooded the ship with gas!" Suddenly Kirk, Sulu and Dr. McCoy make a quick dive into the turbolift in hopes of escaping a terrible and toxic death.

Feeling somewhat surprised, Spock then calmly walks over to the turbolift and whisked open the doors...There he saw Kirk, Sulu and McCoy standing together in a small huddle. "I'm sorry I startled you, gentlemen, but that wasn't the Criptonites," Spock said. "I had beans and burban for lunch."
"Dam* it, Jim! growled McCoy, as they then stepped from the turbolift and back onto the ship's bridge. "If I wasn't such a easy goin fellow i'd slap his ears together."

"Please, Bones, " Kirk said. "We can't worry about that right now. We've still got to deal with those dam* Criptonites, before they destroy my ship."

"Captain," said Sulu, "We're back in orbit around the Criptonite's home planet. It would appear that the Criptonites have finished their little joy ride around this sector."

James T Kirk slowly walks around the bridge and examines many of the ship's instrument panels. "We've got to get them out of our computer system," he said. "Does anyone have any suggestions?"

"There is one," Spock replied, "but i'm not sure it will work, captain. In the early days when computers were still in their infancy there was a problem with hackers. Many of these hackers would create a hostile virus, then they would inject the virus into a computer system. I propose to do the same thing...The Criptonites will be completely unaware until it is too late. If my theory's correct, we can then program the Criptonites to do whatever we want them to do."

"I certainly hope your theory is correct, Mr. Spock," Kirk said. "We don't have very much time left."

His right hand filled with a variety of small computer disk, Spock works for several minutes until he finally has the perfect virus. With the virus now complete, Spock slowly inserts the disk into the ship's computer system...."That should do it, captain," he said... "Now we wait until the program has a chance to complete the entire installation."

As Kirk and Spock continue to observe the computer's reaction to the virus the doors to the bridge suddenly wisk open revealing a very agitated Dr. McCoy standing on the other side. "What the hell's going on, Jim?! McCoy said...."I was sitting on the toilet and when I asked the computer for toilet paper, a dam* jelly donut popped out...Then as I leaned over to flush the toilet, I was suddenly beamed into the ship's galley....I didn't even have a chance to yank my dam* pants up."

As McCoy continues telling his embarrassing story the intercom suddenly cuts in. "Captain, are you there?" Scotty said....

"Kirk here! What's going on Scotty?" he asked..

"Captain, i'm going to need a heavy winter's coat, goggles, and a pair of long johns," Scotty said. "We've got six inches of snow in the engine room and we're expecting more."


"Snow?" said Kirk. "How could it be snowing in the engine room? That's impossible."

"Suddenly the doors to the bridge wisk open for a second time revealing Sulu on the other side. "Captain!" Sulu said...."I went to the galley, inserted my dinner card, and then I asked the computer for a jelly donut.. All the sudden, a roll of toilet paper popped out and landed in my tray. Then I was suddenly beamed into the ladies restroom where Uhura just happened to be residing. It was horrible, captain! Just horrible! I'll never eat another jelly donut again!"
"The whole dam* ship is going crazy, Jim," Bones said. "I better get down to Sickbay and see if it's snowing there too."

"I don't know which is worse, the Criptonites, or this crippling virus that you've unleashed on the ship's computer. Tell me, Spock, what's our next move going to be?" growled Kirk.

"Captain, the virus will require several more minutes to complete the process. After that, there will be no more Criptonites in our computer system," Spock then replied.

"That's good to know, Spock," said Kirk as he continued to observe the ship's computer.

"Sitting at the ship's helm, Sulu continues to watch the huge viewer screen ahead, as the planet below seems to be getting larger by the minute. "Captain, we're moving closer to the planet and I can't seem to compensate. The Criptonites still have control of the ship's helm, sir."

"You better hope this works, Mr. Spock," said Kirk. "I think I may have forgotten to renew my life insurance policy, besides, Starfleet could never survive without me," he then muttered.

"Pressing the small intercom button Kirk then checks the status of Sickbay. "Bones, how are things looking down there? Is everything Ok?" he asked.

"Well, Jim, I've got several patients down here who need medical attention, and more are coming in as we speak. I've got one lady down here who's completely bald, with third degree burns on her head. Apparently she was blow drying her hair when suddenly the computer went haywire and torched her head like a marshmallow," McCoy said.

"Keep me informed, Bones......Kirk out!" he then said.

"Captain, according to our tricorder readings, the Criptonites are no longer in the ship's computer," said Spock.

"If they're not in our computer system, then where are they now, Mr. Spock?" Kirk then asked.

"Captain," said Spock. "I'm getting a strange reading from your quarters. Perhaps we should begin our search for the missing Criptonites there."

Kirk and Spock then begin making their way to the captain's quarters. "Great work, Mr. Spock," said Kirk, as they both enter the turbolift. "Your virus seems to have forced the Criptonites out of our computer system, but didn't you say we could progam the Criptonites to do whatever we wanted them to do?"

"I'm not sure the effort has worked, Captain, but when I created the virus I also installed a small program to convince the Criptonites that their only existance in the universe is to clean things," Spock said.

"Clean things?" a surprised Kirk then replied. "Spock, I don't care about house cleaning....I just want them off my ship."

"As Kirk and Spock finally arrive at the doors to the captain's quarters they find Dr. McCoy there waiting for them. "I thought you two gentlemen might need a little help, so here I am," McCoy then said.

Pulling his phaser Kirk then opened the doors to his quarters and is suddenly surprised by what he sees. His quarters was so bright that he then momentarily had to cover is eyes. "I've never see this place so clean," he said.

"My god, Jim! It's incredible," McCoy said. "When those slimy little buggers are done in here, i'm taking them to Sickbay."

"Captain, if you'll excuse me for a moment, I must get back to the bridge," said Spock. "The virus in our computer must be removed."

"Right your are, Mr. Spock," Kirk then replied. "I think that terrible virus has done a commendable job."

"I never thought i'd be so glad to see a terrible virus," McCoy then said with a smile.
Back on the bridge Kirk and his gallant crew prepare to leave orbit and continue their never ending search for strange new worlds and weird life forms.. "We shouldn't have left the Criptonites in that dreadful cave, Jim, McCoy said. "They were the best dam* house cleaners I ever saw."

"That cave was so dirty, they'll be cleaning it for years," Kirk then replied with a smile.

"Captain," said Spock. "I have removed the virus and our computer system has been fully restored."

"Good work, Mr. Spock," Kirk said. "It looks like you have saved the ship once again."

"Spock may have saved the ship, Jim" said McCoy, "but it sure took him long enough...After all, he's not the brightest porch light on the block...Knowing Spock here, he'd probably bring a baseball bat to a football game."
"Doctor," said Spock. "Some humans are has-- beens, but your a never was."

"Shut up, Spock!" growled McCoy. "Your so dam* ugly, i'll bet your mother always fed you with a slingshot."

"Please, gentlemen!" Kirk said. "Can't you two just -----get along?!"

As Dr. McCoy and Spock happily continue their war of words the Enterprise slowly fades away as it travels deeper and deeper into the dark vastness of space.

THE END

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