Hey Bee,
Funny you should mention communication because I am taking a course in Interpersonal Communication right now.

I'm really enjoying it so far, I think it's fascinating.

As for your question- I DO think effective communication is IMMENSELY important in our everyday lives. Unfortunately, most people are not very good at it. Listening in particular is an area where many people could use some help. It's funny how we teach our children what to say, what is appropriate to say when etc., but we don't teach them how to LISTEN. Perhaps that has something to do with the individualist nature of our culture, I don't know, but for whatever reason, not many people are really good listeners.

It really takes work to be a good listener, and active listening takes EFFORT, which I think is why most people don't do it much.

Since taking this class though, I've been trying much harder to engage in active listening.

quote:

Originally posted by ..::blindELATION::..:

quote:

Originally posted by BEE:
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE WORDS MENTAL HEALTH? DO YOU KNOW WHAT GOOD MENTAL IS? AND WHY DO YOU THINK SOME PEOPLE HAVE MENTAL HEALTH PROBLEMS?

I'm gonna take a stab at it...

Genetics. that's the answer for anything about you LOL

U should look at your comment about Anna Nicole --n U have Mental Health Issues!!--n Sorry I read that and was just appaulled. WTF??????????? No matter what she had a son that DIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! U idiot

quote:

Originally posted by majik:
oh no. ...well. ...jmo ...and im gonna try and make it short lol....
of coarse there is mental health just as physical health....your brain is an organ that can have problems just as any other organ in your body....
body and mind go together more than people think ...and good mental health is possible too , as there is good physical health.

how mental health is treated is another discussion that i may stay out of lol rof! ...
thanks for posting! and welcome BEE ...

Maj U rX

quote:

Originally posted by gilesmic:
Hey Bee,
Funny you should mention communication because I am taking a course in Interpersonal Communication right now.

I'm really enjoying it so far, I think it's fascinating.

As for your question- I DO think effective communication is IMMENSELY important in our everyday lives. Unfortunately, most people are not very good at it. Listening in particular is an area where many people could use some help. It's funny how we teach our children what to say, what is appropriate to say when etc., but we don't teach them how to LISTEN. Perhaps that has something to do with the individualist nature of our culture, I don't know, but for whatever reason, not many people are really good listeners.

It really takes work to be a good listener, and active listening takes EFFORT, which I think is why most people don't do it much.

Since taking this class though, I've been trying much harder to engage in active listening.

waw that sounds like an interesting course unfortunatly our section on comunication is a 3hour slot done in one day but i cant wait for it.i guess im really lookin folward to it because one thing i can say about myself is that i am a good listener but only for the fact that i dont talk much. i guess because i have always had problems talking to people (not physicaly talking just talking to people) i guess over time i got used to listening to what everybody else has to say and it is rather interesting to just listen. i guess i cant wait to see what the other people on my course have to say, i guess sometimes people arnt so good at listening because they are to quick to give there opinion on things instead of listening to what others have to say. i think you should try this some time to see for yourself how much more you can pick up from people try spending some time around people not talking just listening to them and watching them. hey i also found a really good book called'the definitive book of body language by allan & barbara pease' its a very helpful book. lately i like sitting in meetings and things like that listening to what people say and watching to see what there body language says both dont always say the same thing. i really like it, its fun to listen to what people say without words too. thank you gilesmic

quote:

Originally posted by Hi-Enough:

quote:

Originally posted by majik:
oh no. ...well. ...jmo ...and im gonna try and make it short lol....
of coarse there is mental health just as physical health....your brain is an organ that can have problems just as any other organ in your body....
body and mind go together more than people think ...and good mental health is possible too , as there is good physical health.

how mental health is treated is another discussion that i may stay out of lol rof! ...
thanks for posting! and welcome BEE ...

Maj U rX

what does that mean lol ...sorry im slow. ... rX ?

quote:

Originally posted by BEE:
waw that sounds like an interesting course unfortunatly our section on comunication is a 3hour slot done in one day but i cant wait for it.i guess im really lookin folward to it because one thing i can say about myself is that i am a good listener but only for the fact that i dont talk much. i guess because i have always had problems talking to people (not physicaly talking just talking to people) i guess over time i got used to listening to what everybody else has to say and it is rather interesting to just listen. i guess i cant wait to see what the other people on my course have to say, i guess sometimes people arnt so good at listening because they are to quick to give there opinion on things instead of listening to what others have to say. i think you should try this some time to see for yourself how much more you can pick up from people try spending some time around people not talking just listening to them and watching them. hey i also found a really good book called'the definitive book of body language by allan & barbara pease' its a very helpful book. lately i like sitting in meetings and things like that listening to what people say and watching to see what there body language says both dont always say the same thing. i really like it, its fun to listen to what people say without words too. thank you gilesmic

Hey Bee,
I just noticed something that I wanted to comment on. You said that you think you're a good listener because you don't talk much, but being quiet isn't necessarily the sign of a good listener, in fact it can be the sign of a bad listener. I think that is a pretty common misconception that people have about listening- that being quiet=being a good listener, but that isn't necessarily the case. So, I wanted to share some of what I learned about listening in my class:

First, things a good listener does: maintains eye contact, gives back-channeling cues, paraphrases the speaker's message in their own words (this is the part where you have to SPEAK to be a good listener), asks questions to clarify- not to interrogate, is supportive, is understanding, does not offer advice or solutions unless explicity asked, does not interrupt and pays attention to the verbal and non-verbal messages. A bad listener interrupts, let's their eyes wonder, is distracted, changes the subject, gives no or little feedback (thus being absolutely silent is a bad thing), is judgemental, and gives unsolicited advice.

As far as active listening, there are 4 steps: 1.) Wait 3-5 seconds to respond which gives the speaker time to gather their thoughts and continue if necessary without the risk of being interrupted and gives you as the listener time to gather your own thoughts and make an appropriate response
2.) Paraphrase the message: put the message in your own words repeating the content back to them to show you understood what they said.
3.) Validate: express understanding of the speaker's feelings, show that they are warranted.
4.) Ask Questions: The purpose here is not to interrogate, but to clarify the message.

For example, imagine you and a friend are discussing a recent chemistry examination and your friend says "I didn't get an A. I got a B+. What am I going to do now? I feel like a failure." An active listening response would be something like "It sounds like you're pretty disappointed that you didn't do as well as you had hoped."

You want to avoid:
Minimizing: "don't worry about it" etc., anything that minimizes the importance of the emotions being felt
Blaming:suggesting in some way who is to blame for the situation other than the speaker him/herself.
Shifting Topic: especially changing the topic to yourself like "oh, that happened to me once..." and lauching into a story.
Interrogating: asking a series of questions designed to elicit details about the situation that the speaker is reluctant to give. This creates defensiveness.
Interrupting:Very patronizing
Judging: evaluating the speaker's actions, thoughts, or feelings.
Analyzing: trying to explain to the speaker why things happened
Advising: giving unrequested or unneeded advice . Several reasons to avoid this 1. you may not be qualified to give advice 2. you may not really know enough about the situation 3. you force the speaker into an uncomfortable position, not just having to deal with his/her own problems, but also having to figure out how not to take your advice without offending you and hurting the relationship. 4. you might get stuck in a situation you should not be in. 5. the advice might be taken, laying a responsibility on you 6. it communicates that the speaker is unable to solve his/her own problems 7. the advice may not be wanted 8. giving advice can serve to silence the speaker.

Anyway, there is Listening 101 LOL

well i think thats a very clincal view of the whole thing that may be right in some cases and it was interesting to see it from another point of view. having said that i dont agree that you have to talk to be a good listener and in my case i am a good listener. the bit about having to maintain eye contact to be a good listner is wrong sometimes it requires you to be able to hear changes in a voice that sometimes you cant hear because your to busy looking. i guess its like the fact that blind people have better hearing because when one of your senses are down the others get better. its the same in this case for me i am more able to concentrait on others because im not procupied with what im thinking all the time. its like when i was in school i was rather good at science but i hated it and never paid attension in class hardly ever looked at the teacher yet when she had finished talking i could easily do all the work and the teacher was rather puzzled as to why when i "never paid attension" and those were her words not mine. because there was always some bit of me listening, it helps that i love to listen to people talk and hey im not saying this is the case for everybody just that it is for me. i think with communication there are so many bits to it that everybody has there own very different ways i mean i dont talk so i have had to find other way and its like my tutor says that sometimes people can become to relient on certain ways of communicating like talking. i mean heres one for you to think about if you suddenly could not talk you could not say a word how would you communicate? how would you get through the things you do every day? and hey gilesmic thanks for shareing your views i apreciate it

"The eyes and body language is more honest and louder than the voice."
~me.

quote:

Originally posted by majik:
"The eyes and body language is more honest and louder than the voice."
~me.

quite true majik body language is something you do without thinking about it and even without knowing your doing it. i guess everybody is different an i guess what i mean is that for some people commuication is about talking and for others it isnt we each have our own way/s of communicating with others and i guess what is important is that we do communicate in the best way we know how the best way that works for us, for some that is talking others its listening and for the luck ones its both. as long as we can communicate and be understood thats what matters most not what form that communication takes

quote:

Originally posted by BEE:
well i think thats a very clincal view of the whole thing that may be right in some cases and it was interesting to see it from another point of view. having said that i dont agree that you have to talk to be a good listener and in my case i am a good listener. the bit about having to maintain eye contact to be a good listner is wrong sometimes it requires you to be able to hear changes in a voice that sometimes you cant hear because your to busy looking. i guess its like the fact that blind people have better hearing because when one of your senses are down the others get better. its the same in this case for me i am more able to concentrait on others because im not procupied with what im thinking all the time. its like when i was in school i was rather good at science but i hated it and never paid attension in class hardly ever looked at the teacher yet when she had finished talking i could easily do all the work and the teacher was rather puzzled as to why when i "never paid attension" and those were her words not mine. because there was always some bit of me listening, it helps that i love to listen to people talk and hey im not saying this is the case for everybody just that it is for me. i think with communication there are so many bits to it that everybody has there own very different ways i mean i dont talk so i have had to find other way and its like my tutor says that sometimes people can become to relient on certain ways of communicating like talking. i mean heres one for you to think about if you suddenly could not talk you could not say a word how would you communicate? how would you get through the things you do every day? and hey gilesmic thanks for shareing your views i apreciate it

I think I understand what you are saying about eye contact- that you can still hear what someone is saying even if you are not looking them in the eye. But think about it like this- when you are trying to have a conversation with someone about something important, do you want them staring out the window or watching people passing or gazing all around or do you want them to look at you? There are a lot of subtle non-verbal things that we communicate with our face and our eyes and if someone is not looking at you, then they miss that. That's why eye contact is considered a quality of good listeners. It's not saying that you have to stare someone straight in the eyes like a staring contest or something, it's just a way to focus your attention on that person and to help limit the inevitable distractions that are in any communication situation.

And as far as the talking thing. I suppose a person could be a good listener and be completely silent- you may indeed be understanding everything the other person says, but how do they know you are unless you speak?

Think about when you are talking to someone- if they just sat there and never said anything you'd probably wonder if they heard you or if they understood. It helps the speaker know that their message was delivered in the way they intended it and that you understood.

Have you ever had a situation where you were talking to someone and they didn't understand what you said, or they were confused? How can you know that your message is being clearly delivered and understood if you get no feedback?

As far as communicating without talking. 70% of communication is non-verbal anyway, but I do think that communication would be less effective than it would be if you could talk. You could get by, but it would not be as clear.

well gilesmic this is all quite true but i guess like with everything there can be exseptions i mean not to say not talking does not make things harder for me and others but since i have found other ways of communicating with others it has become easyer. its like with my course i dont struggle so much and am able to talk to some of the other people on the course but not the tutor which is really wear because shes really nice and i get on really well with her but hardly say a word to her, dont know why but i just find it really hard. but she is really good and allows me to communicate, ask questions and offer feedback in other ways like email, msm and text. shes really good at encouraging me says she used to find it hard to talk and coped by having other ways to exspress herself like through her art so now im trying an 8 week art thing and writing things down when i want to say things to people but cant say them. i guess what im saying is that you can get by without the talking even though talking may be better, although if you think about it talking isnt always possible even for people who find it easy and i guess these days there are alot of people who email, msn and text each other. i mean it may not always be preferable but for me it makes the sometimes impossible become possible, i guess there is alot more to communication than you think there is its all these things and more. i think one of the important qualitys of a good communicater is not just knowing when to talk but also knowing when not to talk knowing when to let others have a say. i guess you get those people who go on and on and dont let others get a word in edge ways and never give others chance to offer feedback. what do you think?

Bee, I think we may not be on the same page here. What do you mean by "not talking" exactly? Do you mean being a quiet person in general, or do you mean when you have a face to face conversation with one person- you just stare at them and never utter a word? I think I'm not clear on what you mean because you say you talk to other people in the course, but to the tutor as much so that seems like a different idea of "not talking" than being absolutely silent in a conversation.

When I talk about active listening- I'm talking about a specific situation. Active listening is a principle that applies only to interpersonal communication. Interpersonal communication is communication between TWO people. It's not like a class, it's not a group of friends, it's TWO people- no more no less. Like you can listen well in a class without talking, I do all the time, I rarely if ever speak up in class (which is a whole other issue with me LOL), but when I'm talking about you can't be a good listener and be silent- I'm talking about stricly in interpersonal communication. Like when you sit down with ONE friend and are having a conversation- that's when we're talking about active listening- keeping eye contact, paraphrasing the speaker's message back to them, giving back-channeling cues like "uh-huh" to let them know you are listening and understanging, asking them questions to clarify, etc.

Does that make more sense now? I think maybe we were not thinking of the same thing before, which is my fault. I should have clarified that I was talking about interpersonal communication and not listening in gerneral. Does it make more sense now? About how you have to speak to be a good listener in interpersonal communication?

hi gilesmic thank you for clarifieing that. i understand what you mean now, i guess that would be like when i have a one to one tutorial with my tutor she sits there and chats well i say not much at all i mean i try i really do to as you said make some kind of noice even nod my head but really cant say much behond yes or no. i guess with me when i say not talking i really mean not talking, in groups im rubbish cant say a word, on a one to one im getting better but some situations and some people i cant say a word not a thing. i guess alot of the time it depends on the situation, the person/ people and how im feeling. i mean like today for example i was at my course hardly said a word to anybody but i was watching and listening to everybody. i was aware of how quiet i was being but i was also aware that i do have days were i just need to be like that especially if im stressed. but one of my friends was having troubles and got upset i felt all worried because i dont like to see people hurting it always makes me want to protect them and make them feel better so me being me wanting to let her know im there even though i cant say it. so instead i wrote her a note and drew her a pic of some flowers. i guess sometimes its what you say and that you do say something, not how you say it that counts. i guess for me im finding other ways to say things in the hope that sayin them in what ever way i can will give me more confidence and if i have more confidence i will be able to talk more and feel confident to do so, but who knows only time will tell.

Hey Bee!
I've been having computer problems and havent' been on much lately so sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you.

I know what you mean about being quiet. I have always been shy/quiet and I hardly ever speak out in class etc. Even with a group of close friends, I'm just not a talkative person. For me, part of that comes from just being an introvert, I tend to keep my thoughts to myself rather than thinking out loud like extroverts. But also for me it comes from a history of perfectionism. I've always tied my identity to my intelligence and my academics so in some ways I am afraid to speak up because I worry about sounding stupid or something. As Abraham Lincoln said, "Better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and confirm all suspicions". I'm working on my confidence though and not caring so much about what others think of me, and I am getting better at it, but like anything it takes time.

Anyway, the point I am trying to make is that it is not a bad thing to be quiet, but at the same time you need to find out the reasons behind it. Some people are just quieter than others, but if you are not speaking up because you lack the confidence (like me) then that's something to think about and work on.

hi gilesmic,
i know agzactly what you mean i guess with me its a lack of everything confidence, self esteem the lot and things that have happened to me in the past. i am working on them with counceling and other bits but nobody seems to understand the talking bit i mean ive always been like this as far back as i can remember but never this bad. guess sitting at home alone for 11 years being dipressed didnt help but life moves on and im now trying to make all the changes i can for the better and it is really hard but it is starting to pay off a little now as i am starting to talk more and the confidence is growing a little. i do get a little fuzzy headed at times and have wobbles now and again but now i have some people around me that are looking out form and give me a little nudge when i start to wobble so things are going good getting better every day thanks to a few very special caring people my tutor especially she is keeping me going with my course and is very supportive, the course is deffinatly helping my confidence and i am having some fun at the same time so thats good

This message has been edited. Last edited by: BEE,