The Act-Like-a-Man Box
Paul Kivel

How are boys trained in the United States? What is the predominant image of masculinity that boys must deal with while growing up?

From a very early age, boys are told to "Act Like a Man." Even though they have all the normal human feelings of love, excitement, sadness, confusion, anger, curiosity, pain, frustration, humiliation, shame, grief, resentment, loneliness, low self-worth, and self-doubt, they are taught to hide the feelings and appear to be tough and in control. They are told to be aggressive, not to back down, not to make mistakes, and to take charge, have lots of sex, make lots of money, and be responsible. Most of all, they are told not to cry.

My colleagues and I have come to call this rigid set of expectations the "Act-Like-a-Man" box because it feels like a box, a 24-hour-a-day, seven-day-a-week box that society tells boys they must fit themselves into. One reason we know it's a box is because every time a boy tries to step out he's pushed back in with names like wimp, sissy, mama's boy, girl, ***, nerd, punk, mark, *****, and others even more graphic. Behind those names is the threat of violence.

These words are little slaps, everyday reminders designed to get us to stay in the box. They are also fighting words. If someone calls a boy a "wimp" or a "***," he is supposed to fight to prove that he is not. Almost every adult man will admit that as a kid, he had to fight at least once to prove he was in the box.



The columns on either side of the box show the expectation our society holds for men. The abuse, pressure, and training boys receive to meet these expectations and stay in the box produce a lot of feelings, some of which are listed in the middle of the box above. Yet they have to cover over those feelings and try to act like a man because one of the strictures of being a man is not to show your feelings.

Notice that many of the words boys get called refer to being gay or feminine. This feeds into two things they have been taught to fear: (1) that they are not manly enough and (2) that they might be gay. What is it telling boys when they hear that the worst thing in the world they can be is a girl or mama's boy? It teaches them to devalue and feel superior to women. In addition, homophobia, the fear of gays or of being perceived as gay, is an incredibly strong fear they learn when they are young and carry with them throughout their lives. The walls of the box are reinforced and policed by homophobic and anti-women messages. Much too often boys try to relieve their fears of being gay or effeminate by attacking others.

There is other training that keeps boys in the box. Besides getting into fights, they are ostracized and teased, and they fear that girls won't like them, if they step out of the box. Many adults keep pushing them to be tough, and that process begins early. Often adults, particularly men, are convinced that if they "coddle" boys, they will be weak and vulnerable. Somehow, withdrawal of affection is supposed to toughen boys and prepare them for the "real" world.
Withdrawal of affection is emotional abuse. And that's bad enough. But it often does not stop there. One out of every six of us is sexually abused as a child. Often, the verbal, physical, and sexual abuse continues throughout childhood.
There are many cultural variations of this theme, but its prevalence in Western cultures is striking. All boys have different strategies for trying to survive in the box. Some might even sneak out of it at times, but the scars from living within the walls of the box are long-lasting and painful.

If we pay attention, we can easily see the box's effects on boys. Just watch a group of them together. They are constantly challenging each other, putting each other down, hitting each other, testing to see who is in the box. They are never at ease, always on guard. At an early age, they start to hide their feelings, toughen up, and will make a huge emotional effort not to cry. They stop wearing colorful clothing or participating in activities that they think might make them vulnerable to being labeled gay. They walk more stiffly, talk more guardedly, move more aggressively. Behind this bravura they are often confused, scared, angry, and wanting closeness to others. But being in the box precludes closeness and makes intimacy unlikely.

The key to staying in the box is control. Boys are taught to control their bodies, control their feelings, control their relationships- to protect themselves from being vulnerable. Although the box is a metaphor for the pressures all boys must respond to, the possibility that a boy will have control over the conditions of his life varies depending on his race, class, and culture.

Being in control is not the same as being violent. In Western societies, hitting people is frowned upon except in particular sports or military settings. It is deemed much more refined to retain control by using verbal, emotional, or psychological means rather than physical force. Financial manipulation, coercion and intimidation, and sexual pressure are also condoned as long as no one is physically injured.

Clearly, the more money, educating, and connection a man has, the easier it is for him to buy or manipulate what he wants. Wealthy and upper- or middle-class white men are generally promoted and celebrated for being in control and getting what they want. Poor or working-class men and men of color are usually punished for these same behaviors, especially, but not only, if they use physical force.

Why are boys trained to be in control? Most boys will end up with one of three roles in society- to be workers, consumers, or enforcers. A small percentage of boys are trained to give orders- to be bosses, managers, or officers. The box trains boys for the roles they will play, whether they will make decisions made by those at the top. The box prepares boys to be police officers, security cops, deans, administrators, soldiers, heads of families, probation officers, prison guards- the roles that men, primarily white men, are being trained to fill. Men of color, along with women and young people, are the people more often being controlled.

Many men are under the illusion that being the in the box is like being in an exclusive club. No girls allowed. All men are equal. For working- and middle-class white men and for those men of color who aspire to be accepted by them, the box creates a false feeling of solidarity with men in power and misleads many of them into thinking they have more in common with the corporate executives, political and religious leaders, generals, and bosses than they have with women.

Nobody is born in the Act Like a Man box. It takes years and years of enforcement, name calling, fights, threats, abuse, and fear to turn boys into men who live in this box. But by adolescence many believe that there are only two choices - they can be a man or a boy, a winner or a loser, a bully or a wimp, a champ or a chump.

Nobody wants to live in a box. It feels closed in; much of who we are has to be left out, including most of our feelings. It can be a revelation for a boy to realize how he has been forced into the box. It is often a relief to understand how it has been accomplished and to know it doesn't have to be that way. It inspires boys to see adult men choose to live outside the box. They are role models, showing young men how to be strong and powerful without using violence to get their needs met. They demonstrate that it really is possible to live outside the box.

Hey Sisters,
It can be hard being a man! I think schools should teach boys that being a man means respecting the opposite sex.

what about the box women are put in?

I think I'd rather be in a man's box, because it's a man's world...

not trying to offend anyone....

just stating the facts

Some of us guys have respect for all people regardless of gender, religious affiliation, height, weight, creed, racial background etc...
not all guys are the same, not all women are the same. There are somethings within that box, I would be proud of..for example, I am stubborn and rarely ask for help, very independent (nothin wrong with that), I am responsible (anything happens, I'm responsible), I like having money (I rarely do). I never back down from something I believe in. I can take charge when I need to...DId I mention that having sex with a beautiful woman is a good thing, I have been known to cry (when my best friend was killed, I cried alot)... I don't have a low self worth, I am not angry (unless someone ticks me off), I am not a control freak, I don't intimidate people, I only yell if I get ticked off (who doesn't), I make mistakes just like every other human being on this planet. and wanting to Succeed is a good thing,.. did I miss anything

Interesting article, thanx for postin!

JEFF d